Why Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer May Be the Most Bizarre Movie Ever Made

Author’s note: There must be something in the air, because within a day of originally posting this last week, I started noticing similar, much more serious stories appearing across the Internet. People are genuinely outraged about “Rudolph,” which I find hilarious and ridiculous. This isn’t one of those articles. Although I take issue with absolute weirdness plot, it is almost entirely in fun, so read on. It’s safe.

Before you get up in arms about me critiquing the 1964 Christmas classic, “Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” let me start by assuring you that I’m a fan. In fact, as a child of the ‘60s and ‘70s, I’ll go as far as to say that “Rudolph” was largely responsible for making me the connoisseur of Christmas that I am today. The Rankin/Bass “claymation” specials, along with “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” are so interconnected with my past, I can’t imagine Christmas without them.

I mean, what was more exciting than being planted on the floor in front of that enormous console TV set when the CBS Special intro began playing, followed by the opening sequences of “Rudolph”? This is what we lived for in the ‘70s.

But now, as a 52-year-old who has been paying closer attention to the actual content of the show over the past few years, I’ve come to a disturbing conclusion:

Whoever made the movie was clearly stoned out of their mind on psychedelic drugs and was a raging sexist horse’s butt.

Mind you, this is coming from a politically conservative guy who doesn’t buy into 99% of the Internet “outrage” that so permeates our snowflake culture these days. I’m not generally outraged or bothered by most things, other than by people who are forever outraged and bothered by everything.

But I’m telling you, “Rudolph” is cray-cray.

The more I’ve thought about this, the more I’ve realized how swayed by nostalgia us humans can be. We love “Rudolph” not because it’s a good show, but because of that childhood excitement that remains trapped in our memory stores. It’s easy to be blinded by nostalgia and miss the actual plot.

That’s probably a good thing because the plot is seriously weird when you actually pay attention to it.

If you don’t want to have your childhood perceptions of the show possibly stained, you might want to stop reading here. Otherwise, here are 17 examples of how “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” might just be the most bizarre and politically incorrect movie ever made.

1. Bad Santa

This one is low-hanging fruit, but I feel compelled to cover it anyway:

Santa is a jerk. Like, a massive tool.

Who’s idea was this? Santa can’t be a jerk! Especially not back in 1964, before he had established himself as a major figure in pop culture! What was he thinking?!

SC starts off friendly enough, and it’s impressive that he’s come to visit the Donder family upon the birth of their new fawn, so props for that. But then he sees Rudolph’s nose and immediately reveals himself to be a narcissistic, power-hungry ass-hat by issuing a thinly veiled threat about Rudolph not making the sleigh team due to his nose, and then declaring himself “King of Jing-a-Ling” in song. (I’m not sure what benefits come with being the “King of Jing-a-Ling,” but anyway.)

Later, Santa is incredibly rude to the elves who have gone to the trouble of writing an original composition just for him cleverly entitled, “We are Santa’s Elves,” working up tight harmonies, and everything. Destined for the Pop and possibly Adult Contemporary charts, the catchy number points out how awesome Santa is — as he sits there, bored and unimpressed. When it’s over (they crushed it, by the way), all Santa he can say is “Needs work,” then gets up and walks out, leaving Ms. Claus to try to smooth things over with the elves, who are all devastated and immediately quit the music business.

WTF, Santa?!

2. Donder is even a bigger jerk than Santa

Within minutes of Rudolph’s birth, Donder is freaking out over his new child’s nose. He then sticks a glob of mud on it. Then later, he forces Rudolph to wear a prosthetic nose that gives him a speech impediment. Talk about warping your kid for life! Rudolph is undoubtedly destined for a therapist’s couch, and the scene comes off like an ABC After School Special about abusive reindeer fathers.

3. Feedback nose

One “Rudolph” writer speaking to another while dropping acid: “As if having a red light bulb for a nose isn’t weird enough, let’s also give the nose an annoying feedback noise.”

“OK, sounds great!”

Not only is this insane, but it’s also dangerous. Light bulbs only make noise when they’re about to short out or explode. I’m afraid there’s a potentially disfiguring electrical fire in Rudolph’s future. And as a former musician, I’m well acquainted with feedback, and I’m thinking Rudolph’s noisy protuberance will eventually result in a serious hearing loss for himself, Clarice, and everyone else in the immediate vicinity. Time to lawyer up!

4. Elf-shaming

The Head Elf? You guessed it. Jerk. While presenting himself as a meek, adoring subservient in the presence of Santa, this guy becomes a merciless task-master when alone with his crew of elves (most of whom are shark-eyed clones and don’t care anyway). As soon as Hermey, the only elf with hair and non-dilated eyes, admits that he’s not into making toys and aspires to become a dentist, the Head Elf immediately elf-shames him in front of the entire group. Worse yet, he then revokes Hermey’s 15-minute smoke break, which is in clear violation of established labor laws. Unbelievable. Lawyer up!

5. Hermey, the Dentist/Transvestite

Speaking of Hermey, he’s got other problems aside from not enjoying toy-making. He physically appears to be around 5-years-old but has the voice of a 40-year-old transvestite. THIS could be why he’s a misfit, forget the dentist thing. All the other elves are probably either terrified of him or strangely aroused.

More therapy, please.

6. Angry mobsters

Based on their accents and fiery temperaments, Comet (the reindeer coach), Donder, and the Head Elf must have all been raised in the Bronx by mafia families. It’s like they are all slightly different versions of a riled-up James Cagney.

7. Clarice, the Cougar

This is uncomfortable, but I’m gonna say it: Rudolph’s girlfriend, Clarice, is a cougar. Like the high school teachers you hear about on the evening news who end up in the slammer for 5 to 10. Based on her speaking voice, I’d put Clarice at around 28 years old. When singing, she sounds more like she’s in her mid-40s. In contrast, Rudolph seems like he’s around 12 in reindeer years.

Clarice a ho.

Can somebody please call Child Services? Or Metro Police?

8. Size matters

The Bumble, a.k.a., The Abominable Snow Monster of the North, physically grows and shrinks throughout the show and not just a little bit. He starts out literally larger than the surrounding mountain range, probably at 8- to 12,000 feet high, and ends up at around 10 feet tall, by my estimation. It’s like the show’s producers said to each other, “Ah, it’ll just be a bunch of dumb kids watching this. They’ll never notice the difference.” To the contrary, this has confused me for over forty years.

9. Bumble, the weird, ineffective monster

Sure, he’s a monster, but the Bumble is an incompetent idiot, even for monsters. I mean, he can’t even manage to eat one reindeer or otherwise damage them other than nailing Rudolph with a boulder (which should’ve killed him instantly, but only knocked him out). The Bumble was then so shaken up by these events, he just stood there — seemingly for hours — waving his arms and growling at the reindeer in some sort of weird, theatrical, performance-art-influenced modern dance instead of just eating them immediately, as any normal, self-respecting monster would do.

10. Like pulling teeth

To continue with the insanity, the Bumble is inexplicably rendered harmless after Hermey, the transvestite dentist, pulls his teeth. Forget the fact that the Bumble still 20 times larger than the reindeer (or a million times larger, if we’re talking about the first time we see him), and could easily murder them with a swipe of his paw. His only mode of dispatching his victims must have been by biting them. Seems inefficient, but what do I know?

11. Strange superpowers

Yukon Cornelius, who delivers perhaps the best acting performance, can somehow detect the presence of silver and gold in the top two inches of fresh snow by licking a frozen metal pickaxe. This is an X-Men type of superpower that hasn’t yet been fully realized. My main concern, though, is why his tongue isn’t sticking to the frozen metal. And oh, by the way, all of this is insane.

12. Bare-hooved and pregnant

As if outright red-nose racism by Santa and several members of his reindeer team isn’t bad enough, Donder is also sexist. Mrs. Donder, who doesn’t even get her own first name, is rebuked by her husband when she wants to help look for Rudolph. “This is man’s work,” growls Donder, who immediately goes out and gets himself, his wife, and Clarice captured by a monster. Nice work! I feel like any of the men characters in “Rudolph” could’ve had roles in “Mad Men.”

13. Stick to the narration, please

Why in God’s name is Sam the Snowman — the narrator — sending Yukon and Hermey out into the storm in search of Rudolph? (Did you catch that? Sam sent them out, not Santa.) Yukon, I can kind of understand because he’s an outdoorsman and all. But Hermey?? And under whose authority can the snowman send anybody to do anything? He’s the freaking narrator!

Sorry, Burl Ives, but you need to stick to the narration and singing.

14. King Moonracer, 1.0

This is where the hallucinogens must’ve really kicked in for the writers of “Rudolph.” King Moonracer — a lion with wings that we’re supposed to just go with — flies around the world nightly looking for toys nobody wants, kidnaps them, and imprisons them on the Island of Misfit Toys.

What does this have to do with anything, least of all Christmas?

So, hang with me. King Moonracer keeps collecting these depressed toys until the supposedly reformed Santa “rescues” them only to have an elf start dropping them into oblivion from his sleigh using umbrellas as parachutes — during the worst blizzard of the century — rather than carefully placing them around Christmas trees like normal toys. Who knows where these poor bastards are going to land? In trees? In the ocean? In the middle of a busy interstate highway?

These toys have been royally screwed from start to finish.

Oh, and have you noticed how King Moonracer has set himself up nicely in a massive castle with central heat and air while the misfit toys are huddling around a tiny hobo fire to avoid hypothermia? Lawyer up, Misfit Toys!

15. King Moonracer, 1.1

And why, exactly, couldn’t King Moonracer pop over to Christmas Town himself to chat with Santa about rescuing the misfit toys? He has the ability to fly around the world every night, doesn’t he? He could’ve done it any time he wanted. It’s not until Rudolph, Hermey, and Yukon show up that King Moonracer decides to do anything, and then, he essentially assigns the trio the task of making the journey all the way back on foot and asking Santa. I’m not a fan of King Moonracer, and I think he’s intimidated by Santa. Plus, his name sounds like it should belong to a 1960s hippie cult member who lives in a tent and obsessively listens to Jefferson Airplane.

16. Rudolph can’t shut a door

Much like my own children, Rudolph can’t manage to close a door. Did you see that? When Rudolph leaves Hermey and Yukon asleep in the cabin, he just walks out and doesn’t shut the door. WTF, Rudolph?? You’re just gonna stroll out and leave the door wide-the-heck open in sub-zero temperatures in the North Pole? I guarantee you that at the very least, the pipes froze in that house.

Call the plumber! Lawyer up!

17. Santa’s miraculous weight gain

In defiance of all laws of physics and nature, Santa manages to fatten up in the time it takes the elves to sing “Holly Jolly Christmas” near the end of the show. Seriously, you can’t get that many calories into you that quickly. He must’ve put on 60 pounds. As a former fit person, I can tell you, this is not healthy weight gain. I’m thinking Santa better pay somebody to pee in the cup for him if there’s a banned substances test, ‘cause steroids are clearly in play here.

Meanwhile, Ms. Claus seems supremely pleased with the fact that she’s probably giving her husband high blood pressure, diabetes, or both.

Everybody good and fired up now? Wanna go back and watch it again now, don’t you?

Just take it for what it is and embrace the insanity.

Merry Christmas!