THE YEAR 2020 SO FAR

As someone who blogs and writes books — therefore releasing my thoughts into a public forum — I feel like it’s time that I weigh in on the precarious state of humanity in the year 2020.

(I know you’ve all been on pins and needles, waiting breathlessly for my 2020 comments.)

As with any eight-month block of time (it’s almost August now) there are good things and bad things. This particular year, however, seems to be weighted a little more toward the negative. (“Thanks for that, Captain Understatement,” you’re probably saying.)

So let’s start with the negative and end on a positive note.

THE NEGATIVES

I have made it a point over my 10 years of blogging to remain politically neutral. I’ve just felt that the Internet contains quite enough opinions on politics without me adding yet another, and I wouldn’t be changing anyone’s mind anyway.

Because nobody is changing anybody else’s mind on the Internet, particularly, social media.

When I began blogging in 2010, avoiding political discourse was easy, because those topics were fairly cut and dried. Politics stayed in its lane. As long as I steered clear of foreign policy or abortion or the economy, I was good.

Well, it’s a lot more complicated in 2020. We now live in a time when nearly every aspect of life requires one to take a political stance. Watching pro football or basketball, going to the beach, grocery shopping, choosing whether or not to speak politely to a police officer, sending our kids to school or homeschooling them, referring to someone by using traditional English language pronouns like “he” and “she” — a decision on ALL of these things now requires making a blue or red statement or identifying oneself as a liberal or conservative.

This, I’m going to come right out and say, sucks.

So, I’m going to make a statement that is about as political as I publicly get. In my doofus opinion, two deadly viruses have been unleashed onto the world in the year 2020. One is called COVID-19. The other is called “wokeness,” a word that didn’t even exist a year ago, I don’t think.

COVID has killed thousands, has us holed up in our homes, wearing masks when we venture out, shutting down our businesses, and unable to give our aging parents and grandparents the in-person love they need. It has millions of normal, non-medically-trained Americans being forced to make medical, life-altering decisions based entirely upon which TV news network they believe the most and which talking head is more persuasive than the next.

Wokeness, on the other hand, has us angrily re-assessing every aspect of our social lives and rampaging through our own American history like an army of Tolkien’s orcs, slashing and burning at every opportunity. In the name of racial equality, wokeness has each of us questioning our own happiness or lack thereof, our own material wealth or lack thereof, our own integrity our lack thereof, and our own humanity or lack thereof, all based on two of the most obvious human variables over which we had no control at birth — our race and our gender.

Look, I’ve spent my 54 years on this planet primarily as an entertainer and writer. I have worked very hard, for extremely limited financial gain, to sing and create music; write stories, articles, and books that inform and hopefully make people laugh; and supplement my income by providing Himalayan adventures and helping out a few folks with their marketing. For nearly 20 years, my other and most important job, has been to raise three children in a home that values hard work, love, and respect for one another and all people.

Yet today, in good ol’ 2020, because I’m a white male, and unless I beeline to the nearest statue and tear it down, and unless I rail against the nearest police officer and spew obscenities, and unless I very loudly and publicly disavow every other white male — both now and throughout history — I’m told by the Woke Society that I am clearly a racist and should be ashamed of myself.

“Silence is consent,” they scream. But what they mean is, “Silence and/or repeating anything other than our approved message means that you are a racist Nazi Confederate mouth-breather.”

Well, I respectfully disagree. I’m none of those things. I am someone, probably like you, who is trying to navigate life as a kind person doing the best they can. I’m neither proud of my race nor ashamed of it. It isn’t something I chose, nor is my gender. And I don’t intend to fill my limited years on this earth spewing hateful words, wringing my hands over things I can’t control, or kneeling under the pressure of political guilt because I happened to be born white and male. When I draw my last breath, I intend to reflect on a life of productiveness, hard work, personal responsibility, and love, rather than bitterness, guilt, disrespect, and victimhood. It won’t be perfect. There will be tragedies and hardships and mistakes and heartbreaks, but one thing there won’t be is me burning down an Auto Zone in the name of social justice.

And that’s as political as I’m gonna get.

THE POSITIVES

Now that I’ve gotten that out of my system, let’s get back to the normal themes of Doofus Dad: laughter, smart-aleck-ness, and general tomfoolery. You may find it hard to believe, but there are actually some positive things going on in 2020. I’ve actually come up with seven. So in keeping with my stubborn tendency to see the glass as half full, I’d like to list them out, in no particular order.

7. Masks create an entertaining sense of mystery. It’s kind of cool to go grocery shopping where everyone is essentially incognito or in disguise, and you have to try to identify people by their eyes. I bet celebrities love this. I mean, it’s very possible that you’ve been purchasing horrendous, single-ply toilet paper alongside Nicole Kidman or Sly Stallone or Lady GaGa, as they purchase their own horrendous, single-ply toilet paper, and never knew it.

6. The world is much cleaner than before, especially the air. It’s as if we have time-traveled to a year prior to the Industrial Revolution. In some places, people are seeing mountains in the distance that they’ve never before seen.
“Hey, Thelma, come look at this. What’s that big triangular thing way out there in the distance?”
“That’s Mount Everest, dear.”
“Oh. Cool.”

5. Everybody’s yards and landscaping looks better, but this is actually a negative for me. See, I’ve been working from home for the past four years anyway, so COVID hasn’t really changed my daily routines that much. But now, all my home-bound neighbors with copious amounts of time on their hands have been mowing, trimming, painting, planting, and basically making me look like a sorry sack of poo. WTF, people?! Settle down! Watch a movie or something!

4. We’re getting to know our children. Sure, I was vaguely aware of the three other people with the same last name as me that inhabit my basement, but I usually just saw the back of them heading out the door every morning. But for the past five months, I’ve actually gotten to know them a little better, and they’re lovely people. Maybe that is actually God’s purpose behind COVID, to force us all under the same roof until we learn each other’s full names, favorite foods, and birthdays. (Oh, you know I’m kidding…)

3. The world is now fully prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Think about it. If the zombies suddenly showed up, say, last January, we’d have all been screwed. Nobody would’ve been able to stay indoors with enough toilet tissue and paper towels for more than about two weeks, and the zombies could’ve just waited us out. But now, thanks to COVID, every American can apparently hole up and poop with confidence and wipe down their kitchen counters for at least six consecutive years, maybe seven. By then, the zombies would’ve fully decomposed and could no longer try to eat us.

2. The government is giving us money. I mean, when did THAT ever happen?? Even a tax refund isn’t like the government is giving us new money. They are just giving us back some of our own money which they never should’ve taken in the first place. But lately, the feds have apparently cranked up the money printing presses much like the dwarf forges of Khazad-dum, with rivers of gold flowing like the Harpeth River during flood stage. (I had to google “Khazad-dum.” Those were the gigantic gold forges in Tolkien’s novel “The Hobbit,” and yes, I know I’ve mentioned Tolkien twice during this article and no, I’m not a fantasy nerd.) Anyway, with each new stimulus check, I’m getting the uncomfortable feeling that the American money is approaching the approximate value of Monopoly currency. At some point, we’re all going to be millionaires, except a million bucks will be worth around 25 actual dollars. And the number one positive thing about 2020…

1. Everybody is forced to take a break. We Americans tend to fly through our lives at breakneck speed, working our behinds off and then waking up to discover that life is almost over and we remember very little of it and have very little to show for it. With COVID, though, God has pressed the “pause” button on his universal remote control, forcing us all to freeze in place and take stock of our lives, good and bad. When this thing is finally over, maybe we will take things a little slower, appreciate our freedoms a little more, and love on each other a little stronger.

So that’s all I’ve got. We humans have about five months left to pull this nightmare of a year out of the toilet, clean it up, and send it into history as a somewhat OK year, all things considered. And as far as the election goes, well, vote for who you want to vote for, and then move forward. Presidents come and go, America continues, and time marches on, with or without you and I. Use your time wisely.