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A Walmart horror story

Dads
The man felt weak. Exhausted. Artificial light radiated down from twenty feet above, sucking his life force away and dispersing it harmlessly among the dusty rafters of the enormous building. He propped his forearms on the curved handle of…
August 19, 2019
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My Top 10 Dad Tips for Incoming College Freshmen

Children, Dads, Lists
In a few short weeks, our youngest son, Pete, will be heading off to college. It’s one of those huge milestones in the life of both child and parent, and everybody is just a little freaked out. My do-gooder wife, Holly, is freaked out over…
July 26, 2019
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2 Comments
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Doofus Dad’s Foolproof Guide to Setting Up a Home Office

Dads, Observations, Work
Some types of jobs lend themselves to home-based offices while others do not. For example, if your goal is to make your living as a copywriter or an e-marketer, home-based work is a great option. All you need is a laptop computer, an empty lap,…
January 6, 2019
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The Top 10 Awkward Pre-School Moments for Dads

Children, Dads, Lists
Fatherhood is a lot easier in theory than in practice. Prior to actually meeting and interacting with their first kid, most first-time fathers imagine themselves as a combination of Sheriff Andy Taylor from “The Andy Griffith Show” and…
December 9, 2018
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Kid’s Electronics Christmas Contract

Children, Christmas, Dads, Observations
(Updated from 12-2012) Since first publishing this Kid's Electronics Christmas Contract in 2012, I've been delighted but not necessarily surprised at how many nervous parents have downloaded it. We're all in this child-rearing boat together,…
December 5, 2018
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9 Comments
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The Top 6 Ways to Cope When Your Teenager Drives Solo the First Time

Children, Dads, Lists
The day that your teenager gets their driver’s license and drives a substantial distance solo for the first time is interesting for a parent. There are other adjectives I could’ve chosen other than “interesting.” Appropriate choices would also be horrifying, terrifying, nauseating, and post-traumatic-stress inducing.
September 6, 2018
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1 Comment
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The Tooth Fairy: What the Heck Were We Thinking?

Children, Dads
There are several culturally sanctioned lies we tell our children. Y’know, things that are clearly made-up and not true. Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, “We'll take a vacation to Disney World one summer soon,” are all examples. These fibs are fun and well-meaning, but untruths nonetheless. Don’t worry, I’m not judging. I’m all for them and participate enthusiastically. Of the Tooth Fairy, however, I’m not a huge fan. The concept that a supernatural being — perhaps a tiny, sparkly woman with wings — flutters into a child’s bedroom late at night, collects the still-bloody, newly extracted tooth from directly underneath the kid’s head, and replaces it with quite real currency…well... It’s just weird.
August 31, 2018
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The Top 6 Ways for Dads to Avoid Pissing Off Their Teenaged Daughters

Children, Dads, Lists
Few things in life are more confusing and scary for a dad than a teenaged daughter. It's just true. When our daughters are cooing babies, Dads develop an idealistic fantasy that the father/daughter bond will strengthen into one of those “You…
August 26, 2018
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6 Comments
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The Top 11 Things Every First-Time Dad Should Know

Children, Dads, Lists
As a wildly experienced father of three who is a master of every parenting nuance, I felt it was time for me to impart some of my wisdom to all you new daddies out there. Upon the birth of a first child, we all feel a little unprepared (slang for completely freaked out of our minds) and it helps to have access to a little friendly advice, even from a doofus.
August 25, 2018
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I wanna be Dick Proenneke when I grow up

Dads, Health and fitness, Observations
"Alone in the Wilderness," the documentary about Alaskan naturalist Richard "Dick" Proenneke (pronounced prin-uh-key) is one of the most remarkable films ever made, in my estimation. Yes, I know that's an ambitious statement, but I stand…
January 7, 2013
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17 Comments
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Doofus Dad blogs and books are written by future Pulitzer Prize winner Mark E. Johnson. Mark writes about any and everything, all from the perspective of a bumbling, beleaguered, slightly inept father of three, not that this would in any way reflect true life.

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