10 things for which I’m thankful. No, really.

Today is Thanksgiving, and here are some things for which I am thankful:

1. I’m thankful that the Titans are so bad this year.  Time normally devoted to watching games is now directed to more educational programming, like “Breaking Amish,” “Long Island Medium,” or “Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders.”
2. I’m thankful for vehicles that don’t break down.  Let me rephrase that …  I’m thankful for VEHICLE that don’t break down.  Not at the present moment in time, at least.  Wait…  Never mind.
3. I’m thankful for the lock on our bedroom door and for the incessantly squeaking ceiling fan that blocks out the sound of my three kids body-slamming each other at 6:48 Saturday mornings.
4. I’m thankful for Starbuck’s coffee.  I don’t like to be encumbered with too much cash at any one time, and Starbuck’s is a great help with this annoyance.  The caramel macchiatos also protect my friends and family from my potentially destructive washboard abs.  Were I to bump into someone with those things, it could be painful to the innocent party, but the macchiatos insulate them with a nice, soft, safe layer of fat.
5. I’m thankful for Facebook.  If I get too much actual work done, my bosses may suspect a coup of some sort and decide to fire me in a pre-emptive strike.
6. I’m thankful for Crossfit.  Commercially sanctioned torture is slowly but surely catching on in the U.S., and I’m lucky enough to be in on the “ground floor.”  Crossfit also allows me to affect an air of superiority at my office.  Miss Dot, the 4-foot-nothing, 85-year-old lady in the mailroom, says her P90X program cleans Crossfit’s plow, but I’ve assured her she’s full of crap.
7. I’m thankful for my baldness.  As Barney Fife once pointed out, bats can get tangled up in your hair and lay their eggs, and then you’ll go crazy.  There are many things that may account for my future (or present) insanity, but bat eggs in my hair won’t be among them.
8. I’m thankful for today’s popular music.  It allows me to be smug and superior about growing up in the ’80s.
9. I’m thankful for today’s popular politicians.  They allow me to be smug and superior about growing up in the ’80s.
10. And lastly, I’m thankful for this blog.  A good night’s sleep is highly overrated, and I’ve invented at least four new curse words involving the anatomies of WordPress technical support staff and a common kitchen spatula.  Creativity is one of my blog topics, y’know.

And these are some things for which I’m thankful.  Happy Thanksgiving!