The Top 10 Reasons I Might Not Work Out Today

People have all kinds of excuses for not working out. I mean, there are thousands of them, take your pick. They are usually weak, baseless, transparent, laughable, and just plain ol’ lame. In fact, I wrote a blog about them a while back. (Read it here, but wait until you’re done with this one.)

I, however, have VALID REASONS, not excuses, for maybe not working out today. These are sound, understandable, solid, sensible, and after reading them, I’m sure you would come to the same conclusion if you were me: It’s probably best to just skip today’s workout and start fresh tomorrow.

So in no particular order except, of course, for No. 1, here they are.

10. My tummy hurts. It doesn’t hurt like really bad — I can still eat and watch TV and everything — but if I concentrate really hard, I can feel something going on in there, some type of disturbance. I may be coming down with something.

9. I slipped up and already took a shower this morning. Before you scoff at this one, hear me out! A shower has a certain intrinsic value attached to it. It’s a big deal, a major commitment. You’ve got to go through the whole freaking laundry basket to find clean underwear, devote a certain amount of time for the water to warm up, the shower process itself which can be complicated, and then the post-shower routine — drying off, applying deodorant, and worst of all, fixing your hair. (I don’t actually have hair, so this one is OK for me.) I’m not just going to flippantly agree to set myself up for TWO showers in ONE day only because I “need to get in shape,” and I’m “getting fat!” That’s crazy.

8. I ate too much breakfast and lunch. A top physical specimen like myself must be finely tuned and prepared, nutritionally speaking, for a workout. Just enough lean protein, healthy carbs, and pre-workout supplementation. Without that, you may as well hold off until tomorrow, because nothing good is going to happen. Sure, you could argue that because I had a bad breakfast and lunch, I should go work it off, but this is dangerous thinking. I could get heartburn! Heartburn, do you hear!

7. My workout clothes are dirty. Like, I’m going to have to dig them out of the bottom of the hamper, dirty. Like, they full-on stink. It doesn’t matter that before I even finish the bear crawls in my warmup routine, my freshly laundered workout clothes would be just as bad. That’s not the point! You can’t walk into the gym or box in already-stinky attire, and everyone knows it.

6. I’m expecting a call. As a self-employed writer, you must be available to take business calls 24-7. If there is even a slight possibility that someone may be calling to offer me work between 5:30 and 6:30 this evening, I should be stationed by my phone. Never mind that nobody has called me for work in, like, eight years, that’s beside the point. I gotta be ready! Ain’t no grass growing under THESE feet, buddy!

5. My 9-year-old had a bad day at school. We’re getting into child psychology here, and I’m not fooling around with that. There was a major incident in third grade today. Folks, he got called down for talking to his buddy during math and the teacher made him MOVE HIS CLIP DOWN from “Good Job” to “Room for Improvement.” I think it’s probably best that I hang out with him this afternoon rather than only thinking of myself and going to workout. Plus, this WOD has burpees and thrusters. (I looked at the schedule online.)

Solidarity! This is NOT MY WORKOUT!

4. Donald Trump won the election. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s been more than a week and I should have “sucked it up” by now, but it’s tough, y’know? Right? I still need a safe place where I can be alone with my feelings, grieve properly, and maybe watch that new Bourne movie on Netflix. And to show solidarity with everyone else who isn’t working out because of Donald Trump, I’ve clipped a pen to my shirt. (I couldn’t find a safety pin, so this Sharpee will have to do. Sure, it’s technically a marker and not a pen, but just work with me here.)

3. My truck burns too much gas. This is no laughing matter, I tell you. It’s a big truck! Ford F150, 5.8-liter engine, and everything! I can’t just go driving all over creation for every little thing like that. People, every single time I drive approximately 48 miles (three times a week) to go play laser tag with my other loser buddies, I’m thinking, “Man! This truck is really burning some gas! I’d better cut back on some of my frivolous activities, like driving to the box!”

2. Global warming. Since I brought up the subject of burning too much gas, I thought I’d just carry it through. Not only is driving to the box contributing to the hole in the ozone layer, melting icebergs, and Leo DiCaprio’s apparent angst, but what about after I get there? The human-produced heat and carbon gases escaping that enclosure on a daily basis are surely not good for the health of our ecosystem, least of all me! Though it’s an incredible self-sacrifice, I will probably choose to forgo today’s workout in defense of our own beleaguered Planet Earth. You’re welcome, Human Race!

And the No. 1 Reason I May Not Work Out Today…

1. Someone on Facebook changed my mind. I was TOTALLY planning on going to work out, but then I made the mistake of scrolling through my Facebook feed and caught sight of a post ridiculing the high-intensity, short-duration exercise model. I replied with my own very snarky reply, complete with the classic “LOL, what an idiot!” ending, but the guy outsmarted me and came back with something even better: “Get your facts straight, you moron! Ever read a book?” There it was. He totally flamed me. And for the first time in the entire Recorded History of the Internet, somebody changed someone else’s mind on Facebook. Dejected, I thought, “OK, maybe I’ll skip today’s workout even though I really wanted to do five sets of burpees and thrusters.” Dang Facebook…