Top 9 reasons why I should be the ‘Face of Crossfit’ instead of Rich Froning
If Crossfit has a Michael Jordan, it’s Rich Froning.
(If Michael Jordan had Crossfit, he could’ve really been good! But I digress…)
What?! You don’t know who Rich Froning is? Well, let me just fill you in. Froning is champion of the Reebok Crossfit Games over the past three years (defended his title twice in a row!), and is now commonly referred to as the Fittest Man of Earth.
(UPDATE: Today, Rich won his FOURTH!!)
It’s actually true. Every male human being over the age of 18 on Planet Earth had to take a fitness test and Froning won. It’s official.
So Froning is essentially the “Face of Crossfit.” The Reebok/Crossfit people must be living charmed lives, because Froning is handsome, articulate, funny, and by all accounts, a very nice guy.
However, I’ve given this some serious thought, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I, Mark Johnson, would be a better “Face of Crossfit” than Mr. Froning. Here are the top 9 reasons why. (There are a lot more than this, but I had to narrow it down for the sake of space.)
9. I’m a little uglier than Froning. Jerry Seinfeld once claimed that 95 percent of the world population is undateable. Following this logic, only 5 percent of the world’s population can really relate to Froning, who looks roughly like Cary Grant with no shirt and big muscles, while practically everybody can relate to me. It’s not like I’m the Elephant Man or anything, but I’m definitely lower down — if slightly — on the haw-wt scale, and therefore more approachable. Point, me.
8. I’m way taller. While interviewing me, that Rory McKernan guy that all the girls (including my wife) are goofy about at the Games wouldn’t have to look down all the time. (Note: I wouldn’t actually be competing at the Games, I’d just be the Face of Crossfit. I’d still get the million dollars, though.)
7. I wear shirts. I could advertise the products of many high-dollar vendors on my shirts during the aforementioned Games (where I wouldn’t be competing) as opposed to Froning who never seems to wear a shirt, and therefore can’t advertise anything except, maybe, nipples.
6. I’m an “everyman.” I don’t have (use your Chris Farley finger quotes) “six-pack abs,” or “ripped muscles,” or “a great tan” or “hair.” You look at Froning and it’s like looking at somebody wearing one of those really cool Batman Halloween costumes with the built-in muscles. I look like that, too. Except somebody ironed out all the muscles.
5. I actually have more face. Froning has less face because he still has a bunch of hair on his head, which limits his ability to be the Face of Crossfit. I have practically no hair, which means my ability to be the Face of Crossfit is unlimited.
4. I’m still learning how to Crossfit. A company or cultural spokesperson should always be growing, evolving, and learning new things, like how to do a pushup properly, or how to keep your chest up (a phrase I’ve never totally understood), or how to complete a pull-up using less than four black bands at the same time, or how to do a wall-walk without crashing down on their knees. Mr. Bigshot 3-Time Champion, on the other hand, already knows EVERYTHING there is to know about Crossfit! Where’s the growth, people?
3. I live closer to Nashville and I can sing and play guitar. I mean, really, I could stop right there. Can you imagine the overwhelming wave of popularity Crossfit would enjoy if its Face was singing sad country songs about burpees and wall-balls and partner-carries??
2. I represent the older, “Crossfit is the devil,” demographic. As a 47-year-old who secretly hates Crossfit, I would bring an edgy unpredictability to the table. I would be the Charlie Sheen (winning!) of our sport. Or, like Jim Carrey during the Niagra Falls scene in “Bruce Almighty,” you would never know when I would just go off and start cursing on camera about the whole Crossfit movement. This would put me in solid with the younger, hipper, more dangerous demographic rather than those who typically follow Froning — the more upstanding, high-achieving, high-moral-character, high-disposable-income group. Hmmm… OK, never mind this one. Point, Froning.
And the No. 1 reason why I’d be a better Face of Crossfit than Rich Froning…
1. Consistency. Whereas Froning will eventually either lose (because somebody spikes his Spark with Kryptonite), get caught egging somebody’s house like Justin Beiber, or just stop competing, I will do none of these. My legacy of non-competition and being last in the box to finish RFT WODS will hum along like a well-oiled machine, so I can punch the clock as the Face of Crossfit for the next 10 or 20 years and be equally effective. No worries, Mr. Glassman, about having to drop millions replacing your marketing materials and website imagery when Johnson is your official Face. I’m here for the long haul.
There you have it. My phone lines are open and I’m ready to accept my call from the Crossfit corporate offices.
Waiting…
Hello?
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so funny Mark, and so true…as a 54 year old woman and definitely the oldest always at every workout and at my gym (um, sorry, box), I can relate to every word. always last, always sore, but always going back because I love it. thanks for making me laugh!
Loved your voice in this article! I am almost convinced by your logic. Notice I said almost:) what a great gift of humor and writing you have
Darn, Kara, I was hoping to get you bought in 100% on my candidacy! 😀 Thanks for the support and compliments!
Laugh out loud hysterically funny! I am so glad I found your blog…am a huge fan.
Thanks so much, Kekiko! I’m glad you found it, too!
Love #6 !!! 🙂 He was Batman for Halloween one year!! Fun spin on my son Mark !!
Janice, it’s so cool that you read this! Hahaha! Thanks for the comment, too! From a personal, non-smart-alecky perspective, I truly believe that Rich is largely responsible for the explosion of popularity this sport has experienced. It’s refreshing these days to see a high-profile athlete who displays great character along with obvious talent and work ethic. Anyway, be sure Rich reads this — it may motivate him to ramp up his training just knowing that old Johnson is out there lurking in the shadows, waiting for one little slip… 🙂
Mark, Rich just sent it to me a few min ago 🙂 I tell everyone , what I’m most proud of…. he is still the same , none of this has changed him!! Keep up the hard work….. maybe you can beat him in The Masters in 30 year!!!!!
Janice, I don’t think all the hard work in the world would give me a chance to beat your son! And I’ve heard from others in the “know” that Rich is still the same good guy as he was before his Crossfit stardom, so it’s nice to hear it from the person who knows him best. You and he both might also like my article, “Top 12 reasons why this 47-year-old HATES Crossfit,” too. Give it a read when you get a chance!
I just started crossfit sorry I didn’t read your blog earlier.I’m already hooked into the cycle of pain and sore muscles after every wod. Strange thing about it is that as you said we keep going back for more . Great work keep it up we older crossfit folks need a voice like yours keep the pain alive.
Jr, thanks for the awesome comment! My arms are sore as I type!
mark. Just discovered your blog. As a 57 year old Box. Uh. CrossFit gym owner in Pittsburgh I feel your pain…every day…keep up the good work! Ron Del Duca. P.s. You know how annoying it is to type the capital ‘F’ in CrossFit when I’m tapping stuff on my phone?