It's official: I'm rich!

I’m rich! I’m rich! I’m fabulously wealthy!

Great news to report! Today, I decided to take a closer look at the barrage of emails I’ve been receiving lately, and boy, am I glad I did — I appear to be filthy, stinkin’ rich!

No more mortgages! No more 9-to-5 grind! No more million-mile vehicles with discolored leather under the baby seat! It’s all caviar and champagne from here on out, baby!

It’s a curious thing, my richness. Not that I’m complaining, but the source of my incredible, new-found wealth seems to derive from a variety of foreign nations (despite the fact that I’ve only ever been to a few Caribbean islands, a couple sleazy Mexican border and resort towns, and the Canadian side of Niagra Falls) and/or high-powered government offices.

Nevertheless, a series of providential coincidences have occurred: First of all, I’ve somehow either sowed wild oats across large swaths of the globe — I was especially busy in the African nations — or one of my swashbuckling ancestors was getting around. Independent of each other, my kinfolk all seem to be financial geniuses who are dropping like flies from a variety of fatal illnesses. They are desperate to pass on their earnings to dear ol’ American cousin Mark, and finally got in touch with me today after months of legwork and research. (Which means they Googled me.)

Bravo, Cousin Agnes Matlwa!

Secondly, I’ve made fantastic overseas stock market investments, apparently in my sleep or in a stupor of some kind, because I remember none of it. These astute acquisitions have resulted in flowing rivers of gold.

Thirdly, at the U.S. Department of Homeland Security, Secretary Janet Napolitano (no less!) has been hard at work on my “case” with her “Fraud Monitory Unit.” Some elicit combination of gambling, inheritance, lottery winnings, and a McDonald’s scratch-off game have netted me 27.5 million samolians! Dig that!

Oh, and I almost forgot. I’m also now absurdly rich because the Benin Republic (you know, the one next to Togo) says a “provision of affidavit of claim certificate for legal cover/protection of U.S. $1.2 million in favor of you.”

Hmmm. I’m not convinced that’s an actual sentence with a subject and a verb and all, but I’ll take the money anyway.

All I have to do is send the Benin Republic — Mr. Joseph D. Atwood, in particular — 68 bucks.

But that’s OK, because I’m RICH!