The Top 10 Reasons You Should Read This Post

These days, scrolling through the Internet is like sitting at a table with a dozen six-year-old boys at a Chucky Cheese pizza birthday party — it’s a cacophony of noise, it’s impossible to listen to any single conversation, and even if you could, it wouldn’t be worth your concentration.

So with this in mind, I’m going to make your life easier by giving you clear, succinct, and easy to understand reasons why this post is worth your valuable time, and you can go ahead and forget about all that other stuff on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, blah, blah, blah.

You can thank me later.

10. If you’re reading this, you can’t also be watching “My 800-lb Life” on TV.

Or is it 600 lbs? Give or take a couple hundred pounds, it’s all the same. Regardless, is this really what our entertainment choices have been reduced to?

“Ma’am, you’re going to have to stop eating so much.”

“But I’m only having 12 pizzas a day!”

“Just cut it down to eight.”

9. This post has nothing to do with politics.

I know I’m probably in violation of multiple Internet Rules by keeping my political preferences to myself and that my various social media accounts will most likely be shut down due to the fact I’m not displaying either my support of disgust of Donald Trump, but that’s OK. Look me up in 2020.

It’s also possible that the NFL might be canceled this year because the players are all gathered around their computers, waiting for my tweet about whether or not they should kneel, but that’s fine, too. My ground-breaking, Pulitzer Prize-winning tweet would only create too much of an uproar among the talking heads at CNN and FoxNews, and I like to keep a low profile.

8. This post will keep you distracted from whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing.

Sure, you’ve got a big report due to present at the staff meeting tomorrow morning, but it can wait, right? It’s only your job, and there are other jobs. What’s that? You should actually be loading the dishwasher right now? Dishwasher-Smishwasher! Live it up! The dirty dishes will always be there! (Oh wait, that’s my house.)

7. I’m not bragging about working out or my healthy diet.

Listen to my words: You’re in a safe areanow, a sanctuary blog, as it were. I won’t make you feel the least bit guilty about your lack of bodybuilding, Crossfit, or failure to run an ultra-marathon today. It’s all good. Go ahead and enjoy that second bag of microwave popcorn covered in an inch-thick layer of Parmesan cheese while still wearing your pajamas at 1 p.m. as a cat sleeps on your lap as you watch “The Office” on Netflix for the 128th time. (Oh wait, that’s me.)

6. I’m not trying to sell you anything.

Just leave your wallet in your coat pocket, sailor. Your money’s no good here. I will carefully avoid mentioning the fact that my new book, “Doofus Dad Does Everest Base Camp,” will be released Sept. 18 and you’ll be able to snag it on Amazon. I’ll also not mention that you can download my other new book, “Mark E. Johnson’s Pretty Goodest Blog Hits, Vol. 1,” absolutely free by clicking HERE.

5. You won’t learn anything useful.

I’m convinced that a bunch of knowledge is highly overrated anyway. Don’t you already know enough? I mean, you’ve already demonstrated that you can use a computer or a mobile device and that you can read; what more do you need? Like the fact that Al Capone’s business card identified him as a used furniture salesman is something you really needed to know…

It’s actually kind of fun to think about.

“I’ll sell you this matching set of end tables for $3 million. And you’re gonna buy them, too, or you’ll be taking a dirt nap!”

4. This post is quick and easy, as opposed to the YouTube rabbit hole you’re going to go down later.

You’re almost done with this post, but you may as well block out a good two hours for YouTube later tonight because those “Epic Bully Fails” and “Russian Car Crash” videos aren’t going to watch themselves.

3. No Instagram pictures.

You won’t find any photo here of half-naked, voluptuous woman seated in the lotus position on a villa patio, one arm raised above her head, as she stares contemplatively into an amazing Tuscan sunset with the caption reading, “A little me time, emoji heart.” Honestly, if she really wanted “me time,” why are we all seeing this photo? Doesn’t that make it “us time”?

My guess is, she’s really hoping for “a little me plus many thousands of strangers on the Internet time.”

2. Inspired by my deft use of the English language, you will run right out and become a famous novelist.

That’s right. As we speak, you’re saying to yourself, “Geez, if this nincompoop can become a millionaire by publishing thishogwash (I’m actually broke), then I know I can!” And then, you will go write your own literary classic and become rich and famous.

All I require is mention in the “Acknowledgements” and a 10% cut of sales.

And the No. 1 reason you should be reading this blog is…

1. It’s over.