Top 5 Passage-of-Time Discrepancies Related to Crossfit

I think I may actually be a science genius.

I make this bold statement because I’ve taken notice of a strange discrepancy in the natural laws of time and space.  There are some activities in life, I’ve deciphered using scientific method, that don’t adhere to the normal passage of time.  An example would be when Jodie Foster spent an entire day on that pastel alien beach with her father in the movie “Contact,” but the whole thing only took, like, six seconds.

While that was just a movie, I’m convinced that there are real-life situations in which time either slows down or speeds up.  Examples are:

• The time between Halloween and Christmas when you’re a 2nd-grader (roughly equal to the Precambrian Geologic Period) versus when you’re an adult (roughly equal to nine days);
• Watching a small airplane climb to 15,000 feet from the ground (Is it even moving??) versus being a passenger in the very same plane as it climbs to the very same altitude from which you will undertake your first skydive (really freaking fast), and;
• The 10-second countdown before a Crossfit WOD (actually takes about 4 seconds) versus any other 10-second block during the workout itself (actually takes around two minutes).

To alleviate that pained expression I see on your face right now, I’ll clarify with a list, which is what people on the Internet do these days.  After exhaustive research, here are my Top 5 Passage-of-Time Discrepancies Related to Crossfit in ascending order of awesomeness.

The List

5.  Fifteen minutes of watching Cinemax alone in a dark living room with your hot new girlfriend when you’re 17 actually takes around 3 minutes; Fifteen minutes of a CF WOD including thrusters of any weight, including a PVC pipe actually takes 33 minutes.
4.  Two minutes of having the dental hygienist use that sharp metal hook instrument-of-torture thing to test you for gum disease actually takes nine minutes; Nine seconds of holding a 45-pound bar in place at your shins while your trainer walks around checking everybody’s deadlift form actually takes two minutes.
3.  Ten minutes of watching Juan Pablo, The Bachelor, stick his tongue into the mouths of seven different women who all tearfully confide to the camera that they’ve “been hurt in the past” and “have a hard time opening up” while acoustic guitar music plays in the background actually takes close to 42 minutes; Ten minutes of double-unders actually takes 5 minutes of performing double-unders and 5 minutes bent over with your hands on your knees or against the nearest wall.
2.  Twenty minutes of anything that happens between 1:30 and 3 on a Tuesday afternoon while trapped in an office cubicle without my Spark — I can’t time it because I’m too busy sleeping; Twenty minutes of sumo-deadlift high pulls with a sore lower back — I can’t time it because I’m too busy staying at home watching Russian car crash videos.
1.  Ten minutes of eating the first-ever bowl of Lucky Charms you bought with your own money during your first week of college after being made to eat plain Shredded Wheat or Grape Nuts for the previous 10 years by your health-conscious parents actually takes 8 seconds; Eight seconds of walking down a flight of stairs two days after having done 100 weighted lunges actually takes 10 minutes.

I know these are true because I timed them myself.  (I used the clock at the top of this blog.)

Also see: “Top 9 Reasons why I should be the ‘Face of Crossfit’ instead of Rich Froning,” “The Top 11 Things a Crossfit Virgin Should Know,” “Top 10 Lame-Ass Reasons Not to Exercise”, ”Top 11 Things a Warrior Dash Virgin Should Know,” and “I Know You’re Trying to Be Nice. Don’t.”